by Steve Mathisen
(Edmonds, Washington)
“Well, Mrs. Johnson, how do you like your new baby boy. Isn’t he a handsome little fellow?”
“Well…he sure is, but…but…there seems to be…”
“He comes with all the latest features: a full head of blonde hair, corn flower blue eyes, guaranteed to be six feet tall, accelerated toilet training capabilities, full maturity in 6 years. Look, he’s growing already!”
“But, Doctor Hornsby, there seems to be…”
“He is fully functional immediately. Listen to that voice! You know, Mrs. Johnson, I’ll bet he’ll be a great singer someday –if he wants to be. We have included the superior intellect package at no extra cost.”
“But, Doctor Hornsby, there seems to be…”
“This model will also have excellent coordination and will be able to play all sports at the highest levels by the time he is in his early teens. Look, he’s grown nearly six inches already!”
“But, Doctor Hornsby, there seems to be…”
“What is wrong Mrs. Johnson? You sound like you’re not fully satisfied.”
“Oh no, Doctor Hornsby, it’s just that his head in on backwards.”
“Oh…so it is…well, no problem. We’ll just return him to the factory for some…(ahem)…adjustments.”
“But, Doctor Hornsby, that’s just not possible!”
“Why not Mrs. Johnson, it shouldn’t take too long to fix.”
“But, Doctor Hornsby, we opted for the natural birth method. He just won’t fit!”